Just Cause She Dances on a Pole...

This past Saturday found me (and five friends) swinging around a pole in 6-inch heels and underwear.

No joke.

It also found us learning the finer points of the strip tease, the exotic dance, and how turn a plain old chair into something obscene. Oh right, and it taught everyone else how to pick up a $20 dollar bill with their thighs (this was the one skill that eluded me and will, I expect, until I stop going to the gym).

PhiloNYE now has the potential to turn into something very disturbing indeed.

You see, I am stupid. Very stupid. I am even more moronic when Liquid Stupidity hits my bloodstream. On top of all of this stupidity there is a distinct lack of grace and an even larger lack of shame. I am nothing if not a proud and drunken giraffe in a china shop.

Unedited pictures, I am sure, will be posted after the New Year by my compatriots and I expect more than one to include involuntary shots of my panties and/or me falling off of a street sign pole, legs in a pretzel that I won't be able to untwist on my own.

...and I expect to be smiling like a fuckin' moron when all this goes down.

Republicans don't eat soy.

...and now we know why. Clearly, it's because soy is an active ingredient in homosexuality - among other things. It also causes breast cancer and pediatric leukemia, stunts penile growth, and causes early onset menses*.

Oh, right, and soy kills babies too. Can't forget that.

This man and people like him actually believe that soy = the devil's food. Now kids, that's not to be confused with soy sauce. Soy sauce is fine because it's been fermented. Perfectly safe. High sodium content? Psh. Sodium doesn't increase your risk of heart disease at all.

Clearly, I need to rethink my dietary choices.

EDIT: I guess I'm not the only who finds the bible-totin' retard linked above annoying - even Scientific American has posted a response in it's blog.

*for all you boys out there who got to watch Fantasia in primary school when the girls had to watch a mom make the female reproductive system out of pancakes in "I Got It!" menses = period)

Who missed me???

Yes, dear readers (if there are, in fact, any of you left) I am still alive. Apologies for dropping off the face of the earth but you see, unlike Tom (http://a20261.blogspot.com) I actually have to do work at work.

So why you might ask, am I not working right now? Why instead am I updating my very neglected blog??? I'm not going to beat around the bush on this one - my work laptop died and I can pretty much do diddly squat until a new harddrive is purchased and my information is all recovered.

God bless my IT department that actually does their job.

Quick life update only as I still do have things I can hypothetically be doing at the moment without the aid of my stored files.

*Work
Work is swell. I finally found a job that treats me well, has cool people, allows me to work from home and/or create my own hours (more or less). Indentured servitude is finally over and I have reached the promise-land!

*School
I am now 24 - that is viable adulthood, my friends, and it still scares the shit out of me. What scares me even more though is the very idea of pulling together my graduate school applications and taking the accompanying STANDARDIZED TEST. Um, hi, ETS, can you please not be such douchebags this time around? Don't stand there looking shocked - I haven't forgotten the SAT Math debacle of 1999.

*Personal
I'm blonde again and, for the first time since The End of the Relationship, enjoying the single life. This may be because I finally realize what a Dave Matthews listening tool box the boy was... or it could be because I preferred a nice book to a roll around in the sheets with Mr. DMB any day. Who knows? Better yet, who cares?

You Can't Make This Up

From: IT Guy
To: Chasing Ordinary
Subject: Hi

Hi,

I hope I am not out of line, but you look like million bucks today! Not that you don’t everyday…just a little more so today. Have a good rest of today. :)

IT Guy

Celebrity Look-a-like Contest

I have a co-worker who insists that I look like Elliot from Scrubs. This is not the first time someone has told me this. Actually, I am quite frequently told I look like Elliot and/or Kirsten Dunst.

I for one, am sick of these two comparisons. Which one is it?


Kirsten Dunst?


Sarah Chalke?


...or just Lindsay?

A Conversation

Lindsay: so... elephants were definitely just walking down Main Street in Cambridge.
Christian: Elephants??
Lindsay: Yes - the circus is in town.
Christian: Ha, apparently
Lindsay: They're heading to the Garden.
Christian: But it's so cold out for the elephants!
Lindsay: They have thick skin.
Christian: Soooooooooooo saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
Lindsay: Stop being a baby.
Christian: I'm just kidding. Fuck the elephants! That's what I really think, obviously.
Lindsay: No its not, you felt bad.
Christian: ….they're warm-weather mammals!!

Postsecret

I don't know about the rest of you, but I love me some postsecret.

Every Monday I come into work, grab my coffee, and stall for at least a half-hour by looking through this week's secrets. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes they ring true for everyone, and sometimes... well, sometimes they give me just the kick in the ass that I need.

2006: The 3/4 point

2006 has, without a doubt, been the most emotionally turbulent year I've had. Ever. And it's not even over yet. Some highlights and lowlights from this year are:

(+) Bonye06 was a great time.
(+) Meeting my baby cousin Keegan who is cuter than your baby cousin. Or your baby.
(+) Seeing my grandmother survive open heart surgery.
(+) New job. The peace out to Pohly was well needed.
(+) Realizing that there are people in this world that I can trust completely with my whole mess and knowing they won't judge or exploit me.


(-) Losing one of the women who raised me to cancer and not being able to attend the funeral.
(-) Dan Skillz. Everything about Dan Skillz from his car to his obsession to his stalker like tendencies. This hatred actually spans back to 2005 and the biggest mistake of a tradeoff I ever made.
(-) Do You Still Hate Me? Yes, yes I do.
(-) Relinquishing control and having it blow up in my face. Big time.
(-) Repercussions of the biggest mistake of a tradeoff I ever made still slapping me in the face. This is closely tied into the above control issue.
(-) New job not being the escape that I so foolishly had hoped it would be.
(-) Losing friends to foreign countries and different corners of the globe.

Clearly, the low points are winning out right now - unfortunately, they show no signs of letting up.

Fuck you, 2006.

Sexual Harrassment and Civil Rights, too

I, like thousands of others in the world, choose to go the Planned Parenthood for my preferred method of contraception. It's cheap, it's easy, it's convenient, and it's necessary; rubbing my stomach and chanting "No baby, no baby, no baby" probably wouldn't be as effective as the pill.

This morning, I made my tri-yearly visit to the neighborhood Planned Parenthood to pick up the afore mentioned pills that I've been on since I was wee lass full of spritely spunk. In all these years, never have I ever had a problem doing this.

Today was different however, and I found myself dodging people trying to force their religion on me as I made my way inside to do nothing more than pick up a prescription. Retired women with nothing but time on their hands holding signs and their ridiculous male counterparts bee-lining towards me, propaganda clutched in their God-fearing fists, images of damnation for my harlot-like ways coming to life as they spoke.

Which brings me to my real topic: the rights and freedoms of the patient vs. the rights and freedoms of the peaceful protester.

I understand that protest is part of every American's constitutional right to free speech - I do. However, what I don't understand is how shoving propaganda in my hands, ears, and face is not harrassment. They're not just standing outside and chanting; they're not marching to get the word out - they're mentally and verbally attacking.

Granted, it's a public street and a public demonstration... but I'm a citizen and have rights too, don't I? A right to not have my personal space violated. A right to not feel threatened when going to the doctor's office. Certainly I have a right to keep my private life private.

Is the law protecting these people's rights or is it simply allowing them to violate mine?

How to Annoy Me

Play hot and cold games with me. You want me, you don't want me, which is it? Figure yourself out and then get back to me - I don't have time for indecision.