So I'm not usually conscious in time to watch the morning news. This morning I was and I have to say, I don't like what I saw --

The hosts of the show sitting around the desk surrounded by buckets of KFC newest type of fried chicken? They were even taking bites - very small bites - and touting its deliciousness and summer flavors.

Are you kidding me? New anchors promoting KFC? What happened to journalistic integrity?

WTF

In the News

My Beautiful Mommy" is aimed at kids ages four to seven and features a plastic surgeon named Dr. Michael (a musclebound superhero type) and a girl whose mother gets a tummy tuck, a nose job and breast implants. Before her surgery the mom explains that she is getting a smaller tummy: "You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better." Mom comes home looking like a slightly bruised Barbie doll with demure bandages on her nose and around her waist.

The text doesn't mention the breast augmentation, but the illustrations intentionally show Mom's breasts to be fuller and higher. "I tried to skirt that issue in the text itself," says Salzhauer. "The tummy lends itself to an easy explanation to the children: extra skin and can't fit into your clothes. The breasts might be a stretch for a six-year-old."

The book doesn't explain exactly why the mother is redoing her nose post-pregnancy. Nonetheless, Mom reassures her little girl that the new nose won't just look "different, my dear—prettier!"

Seriously?

Dear T.S. Eliot,

You were right. April is the cruelest month.

-Lindsay

Missin' You Like Candy

Emma: she's the type of celebrity i would totally want to party in a dive bar with

Lindsay: um YEA

Lindsay: I would totally hang out with Mandy Moore

Lindsay: …and I like to think that Mandy Moore would like to hang out with us as well.

Emma: yes

Emma: she would give us clothing advice

Emma: and lip gloss

Lindsay: and then we'd get drunk and sing Journey.

Emma: we would buy her one more jaeger bomb

Emma: it would be a party

Lindsay: yes.

Lindsay: that's it.

Lindsay: my new mission in life: become friends with Mandy Moore

Emma: yessssssss.

Emma: goal for summer 2008: stalk out Mandy Moore in a subtle way. Befriend. Party.

An Observation

There are some foods in this world that will turn an intelligent adult male into a 12-year old boy in a matter of seconds. As I witnessed last night, tacos are one such food. Foregoing utensils, Boyfriend scarfed his way through about 5 tacos, only coming up for air once he realized we were out of meat filling.

At which point he promptly picked up and ate whatever filling had fallen out of my tacos... with his hands.

I don't care what anyone says, boys are super gross.

Wedding Bells

Last summer I had the honor of planning a bridal shower and bachelorette party for my dear friend Kristina... and, while I love Kristina and I think she had a great time at those events I do not love the stress that comes along with the planning.

That's why I was so happy when the last toast was given at her wedding. It was over - the planning and the bargaining and budgeting. She was a starry eyed newlywed and I was her very in need of a vacation Maid of Honor.

This summer, I again have the honor of planning a bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette party --this time, for my first roommate Tess. I can't help but worry that I won't bring as much joy and personality to her shower as I did to Kristina's because I know what happened when I approached the event that way. Chaos ensued.

I've already started approaching this shower differently. I just had a kick-off conference call with the other two women involved and have, since then, created a spreadsheet of things that need to be done and due dates.

You know what I've done? Turned being a Maid-of-Honor into a career.

*Loves It*

Reading

Day 25

Anne: Hi, Period. I’m expecting you sometime in the next couple of days. Shall I look for you around lunchtime like always? …Hello?

Day 28

Anne: Hello? I know you are there - the cramp phone keeps calling me.

Day 32

Anne: Ok, now you owe me eight dollars for the pregnancy test you know damn well I didn’t have to take this morning.

Day 35

Period: Here I am! Here I am!

Anne: You realize I’m in the middle of dinner.

Period: Yeah. And when you get up, you’re gonna realize I actually got here right before you served the salad.

A Conversation

Gina: hey dude, want to do me a quick favor?

Lindsay: sure?

Gina: measure from your elbow to your wrist

Lindsay: ....its a size 9 shoe... but thats the only measurement i can give you. i dont have a ruler

Gina: i finally picked up knitting again and i'm working on your glove things

Lindsay: like I said, its a size 9 shoe... or a closed umbrella

Lindsay: or its a fork and 1/4 or a checkbook and 1/3, that's a standard size right?

Gina: i think so... is the checkbook in a case? Or just the actual checks?

Lindsay: case

Waking Nightmare.

It was like going from a horrible nightmare into the best dream ever. And then I woke up this morning and was back in the nightmare.

Something has got to give... I'm just not sure what.

To better prepare myself for the impending vacation (6 days to go!) to Jamaica, I have done several things that I once swore off completely. These things include, but are not exclusive to, the following:

• Tanning. That's right, kids, I, Casper the friendly Marketing Manager, have started tanning. This is solely for the purpose of creating a base tan --aka a protective layer of melanin-- before I get to the resort and the sun has a field day with my fish-belly white skin.


• Buying/wearing shorts outside of the bedroom. On Saturday I went to Pacific Sunwear with a mission. Find shorts that are none of the following: short-shorts, bermuda shorts, capris, or denim. I found these little plaid ones by Roxy. This leads me to my next bullet:


• Wearing plaid. I know. I know. I've made fun of Tom and his plaid for about 4 years now and what am I going and doing but sticking that same pattern right on my bum. That said, I think we can all agree that my plaid is different from Tom's plaid. His is usually flannel and that's just not right (sorry, Tom! I still like that photo hoodie you're so fond of?).
  


• "Dieting". Before everyone goes all Jewish Grandmother on me and starts clucking about how I need to eat more, I'm already skin and bones, I'm not drinking only water and eating a cube of cheese every now and then to prevent myself from passing out. I'm just not eating an entire pizza (anymore - I swear last night was it!).


• Doing homework well before the due date. Yep, that's right. I have a few papers due right after spring break and, instead of waiting until I get back on Sunday to research and write two 20-pagers I have actually started the research and *gasp* even the writing.


• Packing before the last minute. Traditionally, I will wait until 10:00pm the night before a flight to even remember to pack. At that point I will usually throw a pair of panties (that one is for you, Fel) in the empty suitcase and then decide to go out, grab a drink, write the next great American novel, and learn the tuba. When 3:00am rolls around and I'm exhausted from the wine and accomplishment I will complete packing, inevitably forgetting something crucial - like pants. This won't happen for this trip. I'm so stoked on life for this vacation I'm already packed. 6 days in advance.
  

Be Jealous

After a 5 year hiatus from all things relaxing, I am getting on one of these for three hours:

To take me here for a week:

Actual image of the actual hotel that we are actually staying at.

In that week I will be doing nothing but drinking these:

Mimi Vice (aka half pina colada and half strawberry daquiri) the best frozen drink ever

While lying down for hours on this:

Thinking

Screw women's lib, I could totally get used to this whole 'being taken care of' thing.

REPENT YE SINNERS!

Harvard beat BU in the first round of the Beanpot.

Maybe Johnny and the Mayans are right and the end of this era really is nigh....

Thinking

I want to see a whole lot of really bad movies lately, including:

• Jumper - traditionally I hate movies with Hayden Christiansen. His doleful, pretty face reminds me of my ex-boyfriend. This isn't bad its just distracting... and lets all face the facts people, unless you concentrate really hard on the movie to get past HC's horrible acting, you're can't enjoy the film.


• Be Kind Rewind - Jack Black and Mos Def working in a video store and re-recording their own versions of movies because apparently one of them was magnetized or something and it erased all the film in the store? This is going to be AWESOMELY BAD.


• Step Up 2 The Streets - I only want to see this on the off chance that Channing Tatum will be making an appearance in the film. I won't lie.


• Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds - There's no excuse for this one. Now the internet knows my secret shame.

Charming

Last night was Valentine's Day and Boyfriend made me dinner. Really delicious dinner... and then he showed me the first part of my present - a blow torch. Needless to say, I was confused.

Then he showed me what was waiting in the refrigerator.

Ramekin after ramekin of creme brulee. HOMEMADE CREME BRULEE. My favorite dessert ever that I can only get at schmancy restaurants because its custard-y deliciousness is really difficult to do correctly.

...after dinner and delicious dessert I got a lovely massage that made me all relaxed and half-closed eyed. After that, we went to bed where Boyfriend, the non-cuddler, more or less slept on top of me - and I loved every minute of it.

I usually hate Valentine's Day because I think it's ridiculous, regardless of my relationship status. But this year? This year I totally and completely loved every freaking minute of it.

How to depress me

Send me a refund check for $10,575.00 and in the same breath tell me that it's earmarked for my summer courses.

Balls.

Do you know how much that could buy!?

How the Universe responded to my last post:

1. Torrential downpours. Goodbye, beautiful snow. Goodbye, dry feet. Goodbye, any hope of looking decent at work and school. Hello, late-for-work-and-class-drowned-rat-Lindsay.
   


2. Long hours at a shitty office with unappreciative people who apparently have mistaken me for someone with the ability to turn back time.
   


3. Major guilt for neglecting Boyfriend this week. Major major major.
   

I can't wait to go snowboarding. I've already told my boss that I'm not going to be in town and that despite his best efforts to track me down electronically I will be staying in one room log cabin without running water, let alone cell connection, in the middle of Juhbumblefuck, Upstate.*

*In reality, Boyfriend and I will be staying at The Spa (also known as my parent's house) which is located in a very populated area that the US Census Bureau has deigned to label a "small city". My boss however believes the roughing it story (minus log cabin, I'm sure) because anywhere past Westchester to New York City folk is the sticks, ya'll.

3 reasons my day was awesome.

1. It snowed. Enough to stick to the ground. Finally. I've seriously been waiting for this since November. (Also, to anyone in the New York City area who is about to start complaining about the snow, screw you. Snow is made of chilly awesome and it covers all the ugly of this godforsaken world in a blanket of sparkling pretty for a few hours.)



2. I was locked out of my personal office today for about 2 hours. Now, one would assume that I was un-locked out of my office by locksmith or a maintenance man. One would be wrong. After several attempts to pick the lock (all unsuccessful) by various comp sci people one brave engineer stepped up and KICKED MY DOOR IN. What used to be my workable office door is now a splintered slab of wood on hinges.

1. Boyfriend called and asked me on a date for Valentine's Day. Now, I know that lots of you are thinking, "but Lindsay, you've been with Boyfriend for over a year. What gives?" I refer you back to the first sentence of this section. My boyfriend called and asked me out on a date. Do you know when the last time he actually asked me on a date was? Really? That's funny - neither do I. After a year 'dates' don't really happen so much as meeting up for dinner and drinks (maybe) and then going to bed at a sensible hour.
   

Bonus Awesome: Going snowboarding this weekend.

Watching: 200 People Freeze in Grand Central

Photography

The night before the burial of her husband's body, Katherine Cathey refused to leave the casket, asking to sleep next to his body for the last time. The Marines made a bed for her, tucking in the sheets below the flag. Before she fell asleep, she opened her laptop computer and played songs that reminded her of "Cat," and one of the Marines asked if she wanted them to continue standing watch as she slept. "I think it would be kind of nice if you kept doing it," she said. "I think that's what he would have wanted."

So I was stumbling around the internet this morning, avoiding work, and found the above page. This image and the text below it break my heart.

How to Be Pathetic

Take notes.

1. Sit in your office watching the rain fall on 42nd Street and listening to Mary J's "Be Without You" on internet radio.

2. Pine for the good ole days of your relationship. You know the ones - the discovery days when you're just learning who this person really is and you can't stop talking.

3. Blog about this depressing fact whilst eating a peanut butter cup cupcake from Crumbs, damn the calorie count to hell. If you're going to be miserable, you may as well be fat too.

How to Enrage Me

This morning I got up at 7:15 after only 4 hours of sleep (thanks very much, graduate school reading assignments!). As you can probably guess, I was looking forward to a huge mug of already made coffee thanks to my kick-ass programmable coffee maker.

That is not, however, what I got. What I got was a COMPLETELY empty coffee pot, already drained by my frat-tastic roommate who must believe that I'm the most altruistic bitch on the face of God's damned green earth.

Well, new and frat-tastic roommate, I am NOT a nice person in general.
I am an especially not nice person before I get my coffee in the morning. OUT OF MY COFFEE POT. AFTER PULLING CLOSE TO AN ALL NIGHTER.

...I miss living with a girlfriend who would never a) drink the entire pot or b) would remake fresh coffee in the event that she did (so unlikely) drink up every last drop.

I never realized how much office environment mattered until I took my current position.

The office I work in is old and run-down, with white painted walls, threadbare red carpet, fluorescent lighting (no natural light at all), institutional furniture, and a skeleton staff that look more like zombies than people. Honestly, it would be more at home in a warehouse or a prison than midtown Manhattan.

I know that I'm the one who was pushing so hard to get out of a cube culture and into my own office but not this. This is literally what my version of hell looks like.

I'd give up a door and walls any day to get my old cubes at Comverse or Pohly back - at least they had plants, natural light, and people around.

Here's to Spring Semester Saturdays

Goodbye, life. Hello, school and work.

Courtesy of Boyfriend:

Disgusted

Last night I came home, turned on the news, and saw my high school. A 15 year old girl was allegedly gang-raped by five or more other students in one of the bathrooms after school hours.

...there's not really anything else that I can say in this post except I'm so disgusted and ashamed with the town that I come from right now.

Going to the Movies Means Eating Greasy Popcorn

This was seriously one of the best movies I've seen in a really long time. It was funny, sweet, and incredibly heartbreaking at the same time. Bonus points for an awesome soundtrack that I liked so much I purchased it on iTunes this morning.

If I ever have to leave Manhattan, Queens is going to be my next stop.

"...some Hollis residents helped capture him when he broke into one's apartment with a hammer. When they heard news that he was suspected for rape, one said, 'If we had known he was a rapist, he wouldn't have made it off this block.'"

- excerpt from Gothamist entry regarding Robert Williams, the man suspected of one of the more publicized rape crimes last year.

My God, Jim Rutz is crazy. And crazy makes for some great blogging.

an excerpt from the 10 Things I Don't Understand "editorial" written by Mr. Rutz and published this past year on his bastion of impartial news, WorldNetDaily:

"9. Why haven't academics discovered that the world is very rapidly becoming all-Christian?

Again in "Megashift," I've done the math. Jesus is winning, Muhammad is losing (along with atheism, Buddhism and Hinduism). Although straight-line projections NEVER go in a straight line, the entire population of the world would be born-again Christians, under current trends, by 2032. Isn't that worth a line in the newspapers somewhere?"

What a fucking wack-a-doo.

Click the link above to read the other things he doesn't get - like evolution ("It takes a monumental leap of dopey faith to get from protozoa to fish to Jessica Alba") and why the world doesn't find resurrections from the dead newsworthy.

You'll pee your pants laughing.

The End

10... the number of glasses of expensive champagne I consumed thanks to our very generous host
9... drops that were put in my poor, infected eye over the course of New Year's Eve Day
8... minutes of arguing done in Union Square on early New Year's Eve
7... dollars - the amount of money it cost to get from StuyTown to a different world
6... avenue blocks I walked in heels (ouch)
5... how many times I went to the bathroom just to marvel at the architecture
4... people I knew at the party
3... the number of glasses of Kristal I consumed (again, thanks very much to our very generous host)
2... New Year's kisses I received
1... other place I would have rather been instead

Happy New Year, everyone.